The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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