I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
