This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
