I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
