I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
