he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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