i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
