Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
