My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
