after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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