I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize