dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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