I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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