dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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