Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Randomize