Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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