I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize