Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just cropdusted the office
nutella sex= disaster
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize