I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
