Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
