I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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