Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
