:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
