I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
