I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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