I just pynch a tree in the face
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
