he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Actions speak louder than pants.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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