is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
