Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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