My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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