I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
