i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
