FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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