You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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