I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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