But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
