You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
