this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize