They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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