I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
