My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
