I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I didn't notice because vodka
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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