I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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