Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize