Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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