We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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