I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize