Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
