I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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