Umm I'm too high to move.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
