dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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