Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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