yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
