If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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