Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
