Your face is a jimmy john
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
