so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
