I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
